As I've posted on all of my other networking sites...

I'm addicted to ApartmentTherapy. I can't stop. They post 5 new articles every hour and it makes me want to decorate and spend money. It's bad.

But to get to my point...

Do I really NEED a facebook, myspace, twitter, xanga, ou e-mail, ocu e-mail, yahoo email, and google email?  I feel bad for them.  Because whoever is trying to get ahold of me will have to play favorites.  Do they feel THEY identify with the heavily made-up, asymetrical-haired, angled picturedness of myspace? Are they old-school enough to use an e-mail account? Or is facebook still everyone's network of choice (for now)? I had this nightmare that I nailed an audition and was about to book a Justin Timberlake video. The manager called the last three of us standing to get our contact information.  I was dancing in place because I was so excited, and I remember everyone awkwardly laughing at me. However, the dancing stopped and my face dropped as he gathered the MySpace URL of the other two girls. When he asked me for mine, I had to sheepishly answer that I was (somewhat proudly) not that technologically social. He just smirked and said, "Well, you will be at the next audition." And then tore up my headshot.

LESSON: Get them all. All of them. Just to be prepared. Or Justin Timberlake's manager will humiliate you by ripping up your life's work.

Just sayin.

Chelsea.

What the Hell?

I'm back?

 I never liked diaries. Well, maybe I did for a week. But the passion was always short-lived.  It hurts my hand after a while. I figured since practically no one I used to know or currently know uses these anymore, it's safe to use as one. So here goes.

I'm at that crossroad.

Where I have to decide between what I love to do and what I'll get paid to do. I know what I want, but I don't think it's possible for me anymore. I feel like there is just always going to be someone better, that my body is too set in it's ways to improve to something spectacular. Because you have to be absolutely spectacular to suceed in that field.

So why am I still trying?

I hate that I paid 24 thousand dollars just to have my confidence ripped apart. What a waste.

I'm trying to gain it back. I think I'm waiting for that one person to approve. That's all I need. One person to seek me out and say "Wow, you really worked that." or even just a "Good job." Because, if no one says it, then I don't believe it. And I hate that I'm that way.

But if one -ONE- person says it, my spirits would soar.

But I'm past the point of beefing myself up. Of telling myself I felt good about something. I always seem to be wrong. Or I'll see myself later and be like, "Ew. I thought that was good?"

So why am I still trying?

Maybe I'm not trying hard enough. IS my heart still in it? At this point, I'm only doing it for approval. I need the approval to love it. I need the love to work harder. I need to work harder so one person will believe in me. I need one person to believe in me so they will want to help me get better.

I'm not just there to get exercise. I hope someone notices. Please, someone notice.

So here's what I've figured out about hippies:

I've found they often have one incredibly vague theory they base their entire life on. One that is adjustable to answer any question. Don't get me wrong, I can't deny their incredible ability to be open minded and free spirited in all situations, a quality that has attracted me to a vast number of them. I often find these people become very close friends of mine.  However, when "I just don't feel like I would be in an honest place" is an acceptable reason to not go to a movie, it becomes something uncalled for. When your life philosophy is "Being honest is always the antithesis of being false" and you find a way to let it seep into conversations at least three times that night, that's a little rediculous. Look, you have morals and that's fabulous. You are in touch with your feelings. Excellent. But when you are acting immature or unnecessarily rebellious, don't cover up your actions with some bullshit generic theory you saw on a fortune cookie that came with your chinese takeout. What is more 'honest' is being an adult, owning up to your actions, and asking for forgiveness. Keep that in mind.

Chelsea.